Anna van den Breemer writes every week about an everyday educational problem for which she is looking for a solution.
“Enjoy it for a while,” an older friend warned, “because raising teenagers is really difficult.” A relatively innocent question like “can you set the table?” leads to rolling eyes, or if you’re less lucky slamming doors. Image how you can get them to work with you to do simple home repair chores even when using the best cordless drill under 100.
How do you get a teenager to help around the house? And what can you actually expect?
What do the experts say?
Pick your battles, is often advised to parents. Helping around the house is a battle worth waging, says adolescent expert Marina van der Wal. “If teenagers learn that others do the annoying chores, then it affects their development.” And that influence is not positive. ‘Then they think that later in the office too. It is precise during puberty that a child has to develop his frustration tolerance: it is not fun, but it has to be done.’
What is reasonable to expect of an adolescent? Keeping your own bedroom tidy is the basis. If you are in the luxurious position of having a cleaner, that is a nice stick behind the door. “You can agree that all floors and surfaces must be empty on that day,” says tidying coach Eva Kolk. “If they put everything in a closet, it’s not your concern.”
In addition to your own room, it is wise to give your son or daughter another job. “The point is that they learn that they are jointly responsible for the quality of life at home,” says Van der Wal. Cooking once a week is also good. And yes, those chores also have to be done during test weeks, because later you have to prepare food while you have a busy job.
For parents who have mainly been cleaning themselves so far: don’t worry, you can always change course. “Don’t negotiate, because you’ll lose that. Be clear: something is going to change,’ says Van der Wal. “Give your child input on how you divide those chores. For example, with a chore board on which they can choose their own task.’
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How do you go about it?
If you want to get adolescents moving, you have to be smart. Do not give an assignment, but first check what they are doing so that you make contact. ‘For example, ask when they are gaming: what level are you in? Can you set the table afterward?’ says Van der Wal. Count on the fact that you often have to help them remember. The trick is to get them going. “Say, ‘If you take the knives and forks, I’ll do the tablecloth.'”
If there is always clutter in the house, then you as a family may benefit from the adage of cleaning coach Eva Kolk: everything in the house has a fixed place and make tidying up part of a fixed routine, for example after dinner.
Teaching children to help is also an exercise in letting go: you can do it better and faster yourself, but that’s not the point. “Let go of the idea that they’ll do it just like you or that they have the same standards,” Kolk says. Swallow criticism and do it again next time. ‘Tidying up remains something that people have to learn. Be proud of every step they take and don’t be fooled.’
‘Acknowledge that the teenager is still a ‘work in progress,’ Jelle Jolles, emeritus professor of neuropsychology and author of books on teen development, said earlier in the Volkskrant. His hope is that we will learn to look at adolescents with endearment. Even if we find wet towels on the bed and a drain full of food scraps.